Cardamon cake with walnut filling
The time in Israel was amazing.
It's the first time since I left Israel 9 years ago that leaving was hard. In the past I was happy with my choice not living here, I never felt like I belong here. I still don't. I guess I don't belong anywhere.
I met so many great people and it was so overwhelming, because in Germany I don't meet anyone. My life there is so dull, I am surrounded by the same people every day and even that is just during pick up from kindergarten, my neighbors, nothing special.
I don't talk to anyone there, no one talks to me, I don't do anything. I am like a ghost.
And in Israel all of a sudden I was noticed and I noticed people, nice people around.
Even without doing anything other than reading half the library with Alon it felt like life is full there. I guess it has to do with the fact that my family is around.
Being there was as well good because I was away from here and from "him" and it gave me so much perspective about things. Now, that I am after all of it, after being with him, after him leaving, after making peace with the fact that he left and that it has nothing to do with me but with him having a mid life crisis in his 20's (and with him being a coward, of course), it's pretty fuckin' amazing what the world has to offer.
Since I am in Germany I feel like I am standing in a junction and there is no where to turn to. Every option seems boring, every turn seems too difficult.
But now it's the first time I feel like I am standing in a junction and there are so many turns I can take it's hard to choose.
I don't know if the universe will let me take the path I want (the universe probably knows better than me what's best for me) but the thing I can say with 100% certainty is that it's going to be good.
Life starts for me now.
I can choose whatever I want to do with my life, I can choose how I want to raise my kids, I can choose what is going to fill my life and who are going to be the people around. People, I think, call it FREEDOM.
Wow, freedom. Didn't think I didn't have it but now that I look back I was captured in what I thought was a good life for me.
I am done sacrificing for people who don't see me for who I am.
This is my ME time and it feels fuckin' awesome!
And this is what I want to say to all the women out there who have been left by a man or will be left by one -
This is your chance. It's an opportunity. Cry and cry and cry, but then look life in the face and start living it. Remember that you have two choices: to break down or to start over and starting over is the hard choice to make, but once things klick it feels great and you won't be able to imagine how you toyd with the idea of staying in your room for the rest of your life.
Embrace the freedom, sister!
1 cup milk
6 cups flour
1tbsp baking powder
2tbsp ground cardamon
1tbsp bicarbonate of soda
1 cup oil
For the walnut filling:
1 cup walnuts, chopped
1/4 cup silan (date honey)
1/4 cup freshly squeezed orange juice + pulp
pinch of ground cardamon
Mix the walnut filling ingredients in a bowl and set aside.
Mix the silan with the milk, add the oil and mix.
Add the dry ingredients and mix the batter well.
Pour half of the batter into a 30x30cm greased baking tray. Spoon the walnut filling on top and try spreading it the best you can using your fingers or a knife. Pour the rest of the batter and bake for 30-35 minutes.
Leave to cool and cut into squares.