Buckwheat brownies (GF, vegan)
Boxes, many boxes.
Some of them are ones I put myself in but many are ones that other people put me in, Since I spent most of my time with my ex, it was only natural that he is the one who put me in boxes the most.
He put me in so many boxes I forgot who I was.
I was the choleric wife, the one who raises her voice at arguments, the one "no one can talk to". That was the box he put me in.
I put myself in a box of a house wife, raising children, cleaning, cooking, writing a blog, watching tele in the evening, chatting with other moms about nothing.
Time passed since he left and slowly I observed the person I became.
Funny, but since the break up I find myself asking myself about my ex "who is this person? I don't know this man anymore", but now I ask this about myself all the time.
Who have I become? Who is this person? How did I become this scared woman? Where has the independent woman who was looking after herself since she was 16 years old gone?
Where is the spontaneous, risk-taking, quick to make decisions, adventurous person I was?
I know where this person is. This person lives in a box.
I talked before about the amazing sense of freedom that comes when someone leaves you.
And this sense of freedom opened my eyes to see how I lived all this time in boxes, how I played according to someone else's rules and how I erased myself in order to fit into someone else's idea of who I am.
And now I am going out of this boxes.
Every day I do something that is like my old me. Every day a little bit of the peel is coming off.
I reminded myself how much I love music, how I love it when there is music playing in the house without a special reason.
I reminded myself how much I love dancing and what a fun mom I can be, dancing like crazy with the kids in the sitting room.
I reminded myself I like people, I like talking to people I don't know, I like getting to know new people.
I started going with Ben to a mom & baby group, something I would have never done if we were still together.
I started reading again and listening to the news, I started being creative again, make plans, make decisions that are good for ME. I reminded myself that I deserve to go to therapy, I am important enough to deserve to go to therapy.
And I smoke again. Just once in a while, like once a week.
I smoked for 12 years and then stopped when I met my ex.
I always put myself in a box of someone who gets addicted to things easily and I thought that once I touch a cigarette again, that's it, I am going to be a smoker.
But I am not. I am actually not someone who gets addicted, I now smoke just for the fun of it, just because I can and I smoke so seldom, something I was convinced I would never manage to do.
No more boxes, I can't have them anymore.
And people like my ex, they can put me in boxes as much as they want, I remember now who I am and I will never let anyone take that away from me again.
1/2 cup buckwheat flour
2/3 cup cocoa powder*
pinch of salt
1/2 cup apple puree
1/2 cup agave syrup
1/4 cup coconut oil
vanilla pod, deseeded
1/2 cup walnuts, chopped
Mix the flax seeds with the water and leave for 10 minutes.
In a big bowl mix the buckwheat flour, cocoa powder and salt.
Add the apple puree, agave, coconut oil, vanilla seeds and the flax seeds to the big bowl. Mix well.
Transfer the batter to a greased brownies baking dish and spread evenly with a spatula.
Bake for 20-25 minutes.
Allow to cool completely, then cut into squares.
*The big amount of cocoa powder makes the brownies a bit bitter. If you don't like the bitter taste of chocolate reduce a bit of the cocoa powder and add the same amount in buckwheat flour.
**I didn't like the taste of the brownies the first day. After a day they were very nice but not for long, so eat them fast :)